The Curse That Went Awry
by Skittering Hot Magenta
Summary: Obviously, you're the walrus, Granger." "Wait, why am I the walrus?" "Because there obviously can't be two carpenters." "Can you do anything with wood, Malfoy?" "No, but that's beside the point." "Ugh..." Read and review, please!
1. Stupidity

~The Curse That Went Awry~ 

~Chapter One: Stupidity~ 

"So...wait...how'd you get to be Head Boy?" 

Draco sighed at Crabbe's pitifully slow thought process. "I _just_ told you." 

"I know, but I didn't get it." 

"Remember all those times when I was studying while you were running into walls?" 

"Uh...no..." 

"Okay, let's put this more simply. Remember all those times when you were running into walls?" 

"Uh..." 

"Remember those times when you were busy pigging out?" 

"Oh yeah!" 

"I was studying." 

"So?" 

"So that's how I got to be Head Boy." 

"What?" 

"Don't make me go over this _again_..." 

Goyle held up a hand to stop the conversation. "I don't get it." 

_Why do I hang around with these two? Oh, yeah. No, wait, I don't know,_ Draco thought, rolling his eyes and sighing once again. _Oh my God, I sound like _them_. I _have_ to get out of here..._ "I'm going for a walk," he announced. 

"Oh. Can we come?" 

"No! No. You stay here," he said reassuringly. "I'll be _right back_." 

"Okay. Maybe the snack cart will come around," said Goyle, though it had just been there fifteen minutes before. 

"Yeah!" agreed Crabbe. "We could get some Chocolate Frogs!" 

Letting them continue their inane conversation, Draco shook his head in disgust and stalked out of the train car. Supposing he'd head to the Prefects' car, he veered to the left, and, just as the train hit a small bump in the tracks, two people walked out of the compartment before him. 

Unfortunately for him, it was Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. Or as they were better known, Granger and the Weasel. 

Catching an evil glare from the Weasel, Draco narrowed his eyes, putting on his best Not-_You_-Again look. His attention was diverted however, by Granger saying, 

"Have you been patrolling?" It was a reprimanding tone. "As Head Boy, you really should start to take your responsibilities more seriously, you know, not just letting your friends get off punishment." 

Draco nearly sagged in disappointment. They hadn't been able to perform the usual exchange of cold greetings. "No, Granger, I haven't been patrolling. I was--" 

"Ignoring responsibilities again, Malfoy?" said Weasley. "You're gonna have your work cut out for you this year, Hermione." 

"So it seems, Ron." 

Draco resisted the urge to rub his temples. He could feel a headache coming on--he definitely did _not_ need this much annoyance this early in the year. Truth be told, he got enough of _that_ from the two stooges back in his car. "Look, I don't--" 

"Hey, Draco!" came from behind him, and he jumped (not much, of course, more of a flinch than a jump, really). He recognized the voice. 

"I thought I told you two to stay there?" 

"You did? Hey..." They'd apparently spotted the Gryffindors he'd been in conversation with. As Draco turned his eyes skywards, behind him, Goyle turned to Crabbe. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" 

"Thinking?" Ron snorted, and Draco couldn't help but mentally agree. 

"Yeah..." said Crabbe. Wands were suddenly removed from pockets, and the two said together: 

"_Petricifus Totalinarianus_!" 

Everything happened very quickly after that. Before Draco was quite sure what they were trying to say, the world began to rush strangely around him.   
  


*********   
  


The first thing Draco was aware of when he woke up was a great number of cold pointy objects poking into his face. Slowly he opened his eyes, and he became aware of something else-- hair. Lots of bushy hair. He groaned. As though in response, the hair stirred, brushing his left cheek. The next thing he became aware of was a dull weight sprawled across his back. There was a feminine-sounding groan next to his ear, and his head shot up. 

The second they spotted each other, they sprang apart to an impressive distance of five feet. 

"What the-?" Granger began to ask, cutting herself off. 

Slowly, Draco turned to see the empty train tracks winding off into the distance above them. "Bloody Gorillas!" he shouted after the vanished train. He then proceeded to string together many of the curse words he was familiar with. At last noticing Granger's paralytic stare, he turned back to her. "What?" 

"Um..." she said faintly, as if realizing exactly what had happened. 

"Yeah. They're idiots." He clapped his hands to the sides of his face in utter disgust at the company he kept. Given the fact that they were now in the middle of nowhere, he asked himself, "Now what?" 

"Well, when Harry and Ron got stuck back at Platform 9 and 3/4, they followed the train tracks in Mr. Weasley's flying car," Hermione answered. 

"Do you see a car anywhere, Granger?" 

Placing her hands on her hips, she fixed him with an exasperated look. "If you'll let me _finish_, I was trying to say that we could follow the train tracks-" 

"We're miles from nowhere!" Draco exclaimed. 

"It's better than sitting here forever," Hermione said. She gazed up at the train tracks, then looked back at Draco. "Do you have your wand?" 

Reaching into his pocket, he said, "Uh-oh...no, it's okay, I have it." Then he smiled at the look of panic he'd brought to her face. 

"Do you know how to Apparate?" 

"No..." 

"Right. We'll have to walk." 

"Wait a minute! Why are you suddenly making all the decisions?!" 

"I don't see _you_ coming up with any useful ideas." 

"That's because _you_ won't let me _think_!" 

"I'm sorry, I forgot that was a skill you actually possessed." 

There was a pause. 

"Any ideas?" 

"Rassafriggamfraggam..." 

"No?" 

"Rrrrr...." 

"Then we'll walk." 

"Okay, _fine_. We'll walk, then." 

"Yes, we will." 

"I _just_ said that!" 

"I _know_! I'm just agreeing with you!" 

"So we'll walk!" 

"We'll walk." 

"Fine." 

"_Fine_." 

They walked. After a few minutes, Hermione turned to him, and, enraged, exclaimed, "Will you stop _walking_ that way?!" 

"Walking _what_ way?" 

"Like you're in your _stupid_ Manor. _No_ one is here to be impressed." 

"Yes, I know." There was a pause. Then she caught the meaning. 

"Hey!" 

"Would you prefer if I walked like _this_?" Draco slumped over and walked as if he were dragging his legs through very heavy mud. 

"Yes, if you would just stop acting like a stupid git." 

"Really?" 

"No." 

"Oh, well..." When he realized that he was attempting to adjust his walk, he said, "Waitasecond, _what_ am I doing?" 

"I don't know. What _are_ you doing?" snapped Granger. 

"Never mind, Granger," he said disdainfully. "I was talking to myself." 

"What, and that's better than talking to me, is that what you're saying?!" 

"What if I _were_ saying that, Granger?!" Not that he was... 

"Ugh!" 

"Ah. Grunting noises. Good to go back to what you're good at." 

Granger stopped walking and glared at him. He had no choice but to halt. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?!" 

"Nothing, Granger. Nothing at all." 

"No, you're not getting out of this one! TELL me what you mean!" 

"Really. Nothing. I was just trying to get the last word." 

"Oh, you have to have the last word, do you?!" 

"Yes. I just _told_ you that." _I seem to say that a lot..._

"Are you implying that I'm _stupid_?!" 

"Well, you are," he said with false coolness, "but I wasn't _implying_ it." 

"WHAT?! I have more brain cells than all your friends combined!" 

"Well, can't argue there," Draco muttered. 

But Hermione refused to be placated. "AND I'm Head Girl, need I remind you, AND I'm at the top of the class, AND...AND...!" 

"And you're incredibly long-winded?" 

"Ugh!" 

"Back to the grunting, I see." 

"UGH!" She started walking again, her muscles stiffly jerking with every movement. Draco followed, satisfied that he had caused Granger's temper to heat to hellish proportions. 

A half an hour later, Granger's temper had cooled sufficiently to relax the silence. A half an hour after _that_, the sun proceeded to set. "I'm hungry," Granger stated. 

"What do you expect me to do about it?" 

"Well, do you have any food?" 

Draco reached into his pocket, pulling out a half-eaten Cauldron Cake. He quickly hid it from view, just before Granger turned to look at him. "No," he told her. 

Responding with nothing more than a sigh, Granger turned again and resumed walking. 

_That's it? No shrieking? No grunting? No verbose exclamations about her many accomplishments? Or comments about how house-elves are mistreated? Wow. She must really be hungry..._ Draco caught up with her, thinking to himself, _I can't believe I'm about to do this._ "Here," he said, handing her half of the half of the Cauldron Cake. "Forgot I had this," he said grudgingly. 

"Thanks," Hermione said, surprised. She took the Cauldron Cake. Resolutely turning back to their path, to avoid looking at her, Draco said, 

"Don't mention--" Suddenly, the ground shook violently. 

"What was that?" they chorused. 

Straightening, Draco told her, "I'm not worried." 

Then the ground opened up beneath them, and they fell. 

********* 

Authors' Note: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! We're so evil. We love people who review. In fact, we give them hot magenta balloon animals. :D 

Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter or anything from the books or movies or merchandise or whatever. 

Second Authors' Note: No, we're not schizophrenic. There really are two of us. Check out our profile. Coolness. 


	2. Lost

~The Curse That Went Awry~ 

~Chapter Two: Lost~ 

_...and they fell._ 

It was a short drop, although Hermione was not particularly glad to feel the bottom. She heard herself let out a loud shriek, and heard Malfoy curse beside her as they fell. 

_Ow..._ "Ow..." she said, coughing. 

"You said it, Granger." They stood up and peered at their surroundings. It was difficult to see--faint twilight filtered in through the top of the hole, which was who-knew-how-far-up-above-them, so Hermione drew out her wand, pleased that it hadn't been broken in the fall, and said, 

"_Lumos_." The light from her wand illuminated the space. It was a rough circular room carved out of stone, filled with dust, and all manner of odd contraptions. "It looks like a scientist's laboratory," Hermione commented incredulously. 

"Don't be ridiculous. It's a _wizard's_ laboratory." 

_Same concept,_ she grumbled internally. There was a low shelf all around the cave, filled with various brick-a-brack. There were broken glass test tubes, and an old-fashioned-looking sneakoscope or three, and various instruments that Hermione was not familiar with. There was a movement on her arm... 

Slowly, Hermione turned her head to the right, as Malfoy did the same to the left. Their faces were about three inches apart. There was a pause in which they stared at each other. Then, much as they had done previously, they shot apart in horror, like two wet bars of soap under a heavy foot. They proceeded to examine the detritus by the walls with exaggerated, embarrassed interest. 

Hermione recognized little of the equipment, but she heard Malfoy across the room muttering under his breath, "Oh, a Trimbletona discus...that's a Ferian's lamp..." and then he paused. "What's this?" 

Pacing over, Hermione looked at the object in question. "That's an accordion," she deadpanned. 

"Huh?" 

"Never mind." She coughed to cover a laugh. "Dusty in here." Walking away, she turned when he said: 

"Yeah. What's this?" 

Spinning, she saw him poised to prod a spherical item with the tip of his finger. It looked suspicious. "Don't--" she started. 

The world turned upside-down. Literally. Then she blacked out. 

********* 

"This is beginning to become a pattern," said Hermione, after she and Malfoy had, once again, shot apart from one another, not unlike the time Neville had ripped a hole in his...never mind. Looking around, she saw...nothing. It was foggy. More foggy than she thought any place could be. She couldn't see an inch in front of her nose. "You still there? Where are we?" 

"How am I supposed to know that?" 

Reaching down, she felt the ground beneath her feet. Instead of feeling dusty rock, she felt wet underbrush. Recoiling, she wiped her hand on her robe. Then she turned to where Malfoy's voice had come from. "I think we're lost. What did you do, Malfoy?!" 

"I didn't do _anything_!" 

"Yes you did! You touched that thing! I told you not to touch that thing!" 

"No, you DIDN'T!" 

"I _tried_ to, but then you touched it!" 

"Touched what?" 

"That's what _I_ want to know!" 

"Well, what is it?" 

"Malfoy, why would you touch something in the wizarding world if you DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS?!!!!" 

"It's a bad habit. I've been trying to break it. I'm thinking of getting the patch." 

"Ugh! This is _not_ the time for joking!" 

"I'm not joking. I'm completely serious." 

"Ugh! I can't believe you touched it! Now we're stuck in the middle of somewhere without a clue where we are!" 

"Good one, Granger. Now try to demuddle that for me." 

"Ugh! You are an insufferable prat!" 

"More with the grunting." 

Hermione took a deep breath and let it out slowly in an attempt to calm herself. "All right. We have to look at this logically. First question: where are we?" 

"We appear to be in the middle of a dense fog." 

"Why, thank you, Malfoy. I don't think I would have noticed, had you not made that observation." 

"So second question?" 

_Wow. Malfoy's actually attempting to cooperate. That's interesting._ "Second question: how did we get here?" 

"Well, _that_ much is obvious. I touched that thing--" 

"Ha! I told you you touched that thing!" 

"Yes, well, I touched that thing, and it brought us here." 

"Yes, but what was it? And _how_ did it bring us here?" 

"I think we've already established that we _don't_ know what the thing was. And as for the second part, I have no idea." 

"You're very helpful." 

"I know." 

"Ugh. Okay. Third question: how do we find out where we are?" 

"Hmm...good question. Finally." 

"Excuse me, but my questions are _all_--" 

"Granger, please. I'm trying to think." 

"Oh yes, I forgot how much effort that takes for you." 

She had the distinct impression that he was rolling his eyes. "Okay. How we find out where we are. Well, I think we won't be able to do _that_ until this fog goes away." 

"Which brings me to question four: will the fog go away?" 

"It will go away." 

"But what if it doesn't?" 

"It _will_. Relax, Granger." 

"Relax? You're telling me to _relax_? We have no idea where we are, how we got here, or when we'll get out, and worst of all, I'm with _you_, and you're telling me to relax. That's rich." 

"Rassafriggamfraggam..." 

"What was that?" 

"Nothing. Question five?" 

"Should we try to get out of the fog or wait for it to clear?" 

"Both." 

"What?" Hermione did not understand how they could do _both_. 

"We sleep, here-- it must be late by now, and I know _I'm_ tired. Then, if the fog isn't gone when we wake up, we explore." 

"Oh. Well...I guess...we could try that." 

There was a pause. 

"How do we sleep? The ground is all wet." 

"Are you telling me you don't know a spell to fix that?" 

"Of _course_ I have a spell to fix that, I just--" she cut herself off. "All right." Drawing her wand out of her pocket, she spoke. "_Aridus,_" she said matter-of-factly, and the next step she took found dry, crackling leaves beneath her foot. 

"Not bad." 

"Shut up." 

"I suppose we should, um, sleep, you know...back-to-back. For, you know, for safety." 

"Are you _scared_, Malfoy?" 

"No, I'm not _scared_, Granger, I'm just--" there was a slight pause, and Hermione could tell he was searching desperately for an answer. "I'm willing to bet that you might be frightened. You know. Of an unknown place. Can't see anything. You know." 

"For your information, I am _not_...not...er...let's sleep back-to-back." 

********* 

Authors' note: So...this is turning out to be mostly dialogue. But that's okay. Because we like the dialogue, and we find it extremely funny. And that's what counts, in our estimation. 

Pluggy McPluggerson: _No Longer An Enemy_ by Plaidlylush, because we love that fic, _Pick Up the Pieces_ by Lyra Silvertongue2, because we love that fic, and _Sirius Black and the Stars in the Sky_ by mysticweirdo, because we love that fic. 

Rainbow balloon animals to anyone who reviews. ::hugs all around from Sarah and Deva:: 


	3. The Balfoy Blood

~The Curse That Went Awry~ 

~Chapter Three: The Balfoy Blood~ 

"You're too bony," complained Hermione. 

"I am _not_. Anyway, your hair's too frizzy. It's getting in my face." 

They shifted around, trying to get comfortable. "Ow!" 

"What is it now?" 

"You speared me with your shoulderblade." 

"Oh. Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all. 

"If you don't shut up, I will _never_ get to sleep." 

"Well, _you're_ the one who started talking." 

"That's not true, I--" 

"Shut. Up." 

There was silence from behind him, so Draco guessed that she'd finally followed his advice. 

"I think your wand just poked me in the bum." 

"I didn't even move!" 

"Just move your wand, will you?" 

"Is _this_ better?" He moved it farther back in his pocket. 

"No! Now it hurts even more!" 

Draco prided himself on his evil laugh, and this was one of his better days for evil laughter. Thus he laughed evilly. 

"Just...go to sleep, Malfoy." 

Draco listened hard, to see if he could glean some information about their surroundings, but nothing was forthcoming except the rustle of leaves as Granger shifted once again. Then he _did_ hear something. Unfortunately, it wasn't very helpful in discovering where they were. 

"Are you _crying_, Granger?" 

"No," she said in a tear-laden voice. "Of course not." 

As much as he wanted to leave her to her misery, Draco needed her help to figure out where the hell they were, and how to get back to Hogwarts. At least, that's what he told himself. "You are crying, Granger. Don't try and deny it." 

"So what if I am?" 

"If you _are_, I want to know _why_." 

"Why do you care?" 

"I don't! I mean," he stopped himself. Okay, bad idea. He was already on her bad side. "Why don't you just tell me?" Damn, he came off sounding sort of grumpy. 

"Because I'm _not_ crying." 

"Yes, you are." 

"I'm _not_!" she said, beginning to sob. He could feel her shaking against his back. 

When Pansy was crying, she tended to tackle Draco and practically smother him under her bawling bulk, while he awkwardly patted her back and hoped to god it would be over soon. Typically, though, he was not accustomed to having to comfort crying people, let alone crying girls. "Um...don't worry?" he offered. "It'll be all right?" 

"Oh, that's _so_ comforting, Malfoy." 

"Look, um...you're pretty resourceful, I guess, and...I can be helpful. Sometimes. If I want to be. Which I do. So I can get out of here, you know, and there's, you know, no _way_ I'm gonna be trapped here with _you_ for the rest of my life, so, I think there's maybe a kind of, you know, good chance we'll get home." Wow. "Plus my dad is gonna be pretty pissed." 

Granger was silent for a little while, and then she said, "Just...go to sleep, Malfoy." 

He was only too happy to comply. 

********* 

The fog had not lifted. Bloody wonderful. "What now, Granger?" 

"How am I supposed to know?" 

"You know it _all_, don't you?" 

"We need some food," she said, apparently ignoring his remark. "And we need to get back home." 

"And we can't see anything," supplied Draco helpfully. 

"Yes, I _know_ that. But we're not going to get anywhere by staying here." 

"Wait a minute. You're saying we have to _walk_? As in, no transportation?" 

"We'll have transportation." 

"What?" 

"Our feet." 

"What if that portal opens again once we've left?" 

"Better we miss it than starve to death." 

Once again, her logic was unswerving. Dammit. "All right, fine. Let's go." 

"Wait!" 

"What _now_?" 

"We have to be able to keep track of one another. We're all we've got here, after all." 

"So...?" 

"So...take my hand, Malfoy." 

Personally, Draco was all for losing track of Granger, but she had a point. Rolling his eyes and sighing resignedly, he held out his hand. Then, after nothing happened, he began to feel around in the air for it. It would be around waist-level...or would it? He didn't Granger at all. Maybe she would stick out her hand at shoulder-level. He raised his hand, and found her shoulder. 

"Malfoy...?" 

"Yes...?" 

"Where's your hand?" 

"Your shoulder?" 

"That's not my shoulder..." 

Recoiling as if he'd been burned, Draco rubbed his hand on his robes. "Ugh." 

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" 

"Nothing, Granger. Just put your hand out at waist-level, will you?" Seconds later, they found one another's respective hands and clasped them together. Then they began to walk. 

And walk. 

And walk. 

And waaaaaalk. 

"Malfoy, can't you keep your hand from _sweating_?" asked Granger testily. 

"What are you talking about? It's _foggy_! It's _wet_!" 

"Ugh..." 

"Ah, the grunting again." Draco could tell that she almost grunted in response, but restrained herself at the last instant. "Ha." 

"I don't understand. We've been walking for an hour. Why haven't we found anything yet?" 

"I don't know, Granger. Maybe there's nothing to _find_." 

"Of course there's something to _find_, there has to be something to find! We just...haven't found it yet." 

"Brilliant observation, Granger." 

"Shut up, Malfoy." 

"You know, I'm starting to think this is just a--owwwwwww..." They stopped walking. 

"Just a 'ow'?" 

"We found something." 

"Oh?" said Granger excitedly. "What? And how?" 

"I think it's a tree. And I found it with my nose." Draco reached up to feel his nose. It wasn't broken, but it was wet. Hoping that his nose was not, in fact, running, he brought his fingers up within millimeters of his eye. "I'm _bleeding_!" 

"Suck it up." 

"I'm bleeding! This is not good!" 

"Get a grip, Malfoy." 

"Okay," he said cruelly, bringing his bloody hand down and grasping _her_ hand. 

"Ew!" 

"Now you know how _I_ feel!" 

"Not quite. My nose isn't bleeding." 

"Ugh." 

"Grunting now, eh? Not quite as primitive as you thought?" 

"Shut up, Granger. Do you have any cloth?" 

"Um...yes..." 

"Well, give it here, would you!" 

A thin piece of cotton was pressed into his hand. Draco could feel the embroidery on the edges as he put it onto his poor bloody nose. "I cad't believe I'b carryig this," he said as he pinched his nose shut. "People are goig to thig I'b _gay_." 

"What _people_?!" 

"This sugs." 

"Tell me about it. My hankie's going to be stained with _your_ disgusting blood!" 

"I'll have you doe that I carry the Balfoy blood id by veids, ad it is, id fact, quite _doble_ blood." 

"I cannot believe you're bringing that up _now_. Besides, it won't be in your veins for long, will it, if you don't stop bleeding?" 

"What if I _dod't_ stop bleedig?" 

"Then you die, and I dance on your grave. No, scratch that, I _tango_ on your grave. In a red dress and stiletto heels." 

Draco pictured this. _Hmm...not bad..._ "Dod't stop bleedig, dod't stop bleedig," he chanted to himself quietly. 

"What was that?" 

"Dothig. Let's keep goig. I'b hugry." 

********* 

Authors' Note: Yeah, this is still a great deal of fun to write, especially the part where Malfoy's pidchig his dose. We're having way too much fun torturing them, aren't we? Yeah, we are... 

Anyway, anyone who reviews gets embroidered, Malfoy-blood-stained balloon animals. 


	4. Moo

~The Curse That Went Awry~ 

~Chapter Four: Moo...~ 

Eventually, Malfoy stopped complaining that his nose was bleeding. Hermione assumed that it had stopped. She was almost disappointed. "Is my hankie stained beyond belief?" she asked, thinking that it probably was. 

After a moment, Malfoy said, "...Yes." 

"You bled _all_ over it, didn't you?" 

"Rassafriggamfraggam...next time, _you_ walk into the tree." 

Right then, Hermione walked into a tree, scraping her shoulder on the bark. She didn't say anything. 

"What was that sound?" 

"What sound?" 

"Sounds like _someone_ just walked into a _tree_," he said suspiciously. 

"You're hearing things, Malfoy." 

"Sure I am, Granger..." 

Rolling her eyes, Hermione suddenly felt a change. It didn't register for a moment what it was. Then she realized. "Malfoy! We're walking on _grass_!" 

"Great, Granger. Now you can eat." 

"Ex_cuse_ me?!" 

"Moo..." 

"That is the one thing that I thought I'd never hear you say, Malfoy. But at least you finally show your true colors." Black and white. 

"What's so great about us walking on grass anyway? Are you that thrilled about grass-stains?" 

"Yes, well--no, but--it's a _change,_ isn't it?" Hermione was too excited to let his sarcasm bring her down. "Besides, grass is softer to sleep on than leaves." 

"And quieter. You were making _so_ much noise last night." 

"At least I don't _snore_!" 

"I do not snore!" 

"I never said you did. I'm just saying that I don't." 

"Well--I--" 

"Getting defensive for no reason, eh? Or are you denying that you snore because you actually _do_?" 

"Rassafriggamfraggamstoopidgranger..." 

Smiling triumphantly, Hermione gave Malfoy's hand a tug to indicate that they should continue walking. 

"What was that for, Granger?" 

"We should keep going." 

"Why? We already found the _grass_. You were so excited about the _grass_, and now you want to leave the _grass_ without even stopping for tea. The _grass_ must be insulted, I know I would be if I were the _grass_ that you abandoned." 

"Well, despite what you said earlier, grass is not food, and we'll have to eat something sooner or later." She pulled at his hand again. This time he followed as he grumbled. 

********* 

They'd walked a long way that day, and Hermione was so hungry she was almost ready to actually eat the grass._ Moo--no! Must--not--give--in!_ Instead of eating the grass, since she knew she'd be teased to no end by Malfoy if she did, she dried off a patch of the grass with the same spell she'd used before. 

"I think my feet are going to fall off," said Malfoy, plopping to the ground. As he was still holding her hand, Hermione was dragged down with him. They sat, once again, back-to-back. It was almost becoming a familiar way to sleep. Almost. 

"God, I hope not. Then I'd have to carry you." 

"Like you could." 

"It's called 'Mobilicorpus,' Malfoy, and I think I'd run you into a couple of trees." 

"Oh, please don't. My nose has already taken more than it can handle. It'll be traumatized for life." 

"What is it with you and personifying things?" 

"What?" 

"Never mind." 

Hermione could tell that they were both tired, since their banter was half-hearted at best. But at least the grass was a great deal more comfortable than those stupid leaves from the previous night. "Malfoy?" 

"Ungh?" 

"What do you think they're doing at home--I mean, at Hogwarts--without us?" 

"I expect that Potter and Weasley have flown off the handle with some stupid story about me kidnapping you. As if I would _want_ to." 

"Yeah," said Hermione sleepily, smiling a bit. "I expect they have." 

"I'm hungry..." 

"Me too...sleep might take our minds off eating, eh?" 

"I bet Pansy is sobbing her stupid sappy eyes out about me," said Malfoy drowsily. "And I bet my dad's going to blame it all on Dumbledore." 

"What about Crabbe and Goyle?" 

"_Them._ Oh yeah. They'll have forgotten all about it by now." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. In fact, I bet they're looking around the common room right now, trying to find me. Idiots." 

"Why do you hang around with them, anyway?" 

"I've forgotten. I think it was originally 'cause they were friends of the family, or something, I think." Uh-oh. He was repeating himself. Better let him go to sleep. 

"'Night, Malfoy." 

For a moment, there was no sound but their breathing. 

"Malfoy? When are you planning on letting go of my hand?" 

********* 

Strange sounds of chewing filled Hermione's dreams, and then she felt, quite distinctly, that her arm was wet. Her eyes opened, and she realized she wasn't dreaming anymore at the sight of the fog. "Malfoy?" The sounds of chewing persisted. "Malfoy?!" 

"Eh? What? Oh, yuck..." 

"Oh my god, that's disgusting!" 

"Bleh!" There were the sounds of spitting. 

"EW!" Hermione's arms flew out, and her left forearm hit across something. Hard. "Ow!" she shouted, at the same time Malfoy yelled, 

"Ow! By dose!" 

"First you bloody up my hankie, and now you're slobbering all over my robes! You just can't keep your bodily fluids to yourself, can you, Malfoy?!" 

"I'll have you doe that by bodily fluids are quite doble! Besides, dat souds very wrog." 

"You are sick, Malfoy!" 

Malfoy's nose didn't seem to be too grievously hurt, as he started speaking normally again. "No, I'm _hungry._ Why do you think I was trying to eat your clothes?!" 

"You were doing it on _purpose?!_ Ew, that's even worse!" Hermione felt at her damp sleeve, grimaced, and wiped off the offending liquid on Malfoy's sleeve as quickly as possible. Then she wiped the Malfoy stink off her hand on her skirt. 

"I was asleep, oh brilliant one! I dreamed I found this really wonderful, juicy, toasted-bun roast beef sandwich." He then seemed to dissolve into a fantasy world. "It was really tender, and it had just the right texture, and it _glowed_ before I picked it up, and...mmm..." 

"Oh, don't talk about food, I'm too...mmm..." 

"I know! It was really great!" 

"Go back to sleep. And stop trying to eat my robes." 

"But I can't sleep now. I'm too disgusted by thoughts of chewing on the robes of a Mudblood." 

"Not _that_ again. I don't have any germs that you don't have." 

"Don't be too sure." 

"Malfoy, you stupid, awful, horrible prat! I can't believe I had to get stuck here with _you_! You are, without a doubt, the most arrogant, thoughtless, heartless idiot I've _ever_ met!" 

"Hey! I'm not an idiot!" 

"Ugh. Just go to sleep." 

"Fine. But I'm going to sleep for _me,_ not for _you_." 

"I don't care. I'm going to sleep." 

"Fine." Malfoy fell asleep within five minutes. And then...he began to snore. _Oh,_ thought Hermione, _this will be great blackmail if we get back._ Unfortunately, however, that was the only upside to the situation, and it took her another hour to drift off after that. 

********* 

In the morning, Hermione awoke to find that the fog had cleared. She was staring up at a cool, purple sky, which was a bit odd, but she didn't really care, since at least she could _see_ it. Then she realized exactly why she had awoken. 

Looking down, she saw that some sort of plant's tendril had wrapped around her ankle, and was gradually increasing its grip. When she tried to extract herself, it tugged sharply and began to drag her across the ground. 

Hermione did the only thing reasonable in such a situation. She screamed. 

********* 

A/N: We apologize profoundly for the delay in updating, but we couldn't get together to finish this chapter. We're buggers. Anywho, royal purple balloon animals for anyone who reviews! 


	5. Savage Plants

~The Curse That Went Awry~

~Chapter Five: Savage Plants (which could also be a great name for a rock group)~

*********

          Draco awoke to the sound of screaming. At first it was right by his ear, and then, thankfully, it grew quieter at the expense of the loss of his backrest. 

          "Ow!" his head hit the ground. "What the—oh. Dammit." At least he could see. "The sky is _purple?!_ What kind of screwed-up place is this?!" He waited for an angry response, and received none. "Granger?" Nothing. "Granger, if you don't answer me, I'll shove my wand right up your—"

          Draco was interrupted by another scream.

          Levering himself up quickly, Draco turned around just in time to see Granger's bushy hair disappear over a slight hill. It didn't look like she was walking. 

          Draco sighed, rolling his eyes, and drew out his wand and set after her.

          It wasn't difficult to track her (mainly because every two seconds she'd let out a piercing shriek or yowl. At least she wasn't grunting). Soon he realized he wasn't going to catch up to her by merely walking, so he began to run.

          He almost stopped running, however, when he saw what it was that had Granger.

          It was a giant, ugly, dripping, nasty plant.

          As if that wasn't bad enough, it had huge, nasty, scary, pointy teeth. 

          About six feet from its…mouth, Draco caught up to Granger, who looked decidedly worse for wear, and grabbed her hand. Her motion stopped, and then there was a very strong tug from the plant and she began to move again.

          "Malfoy, what are you doing?!" cried Granger, finally quitting her shrieks.

          "Saving you," he panted irritably. "What's it look like?!"

          "Well, it's not working very well!"

          "Shut up, Granger!"

          "No, you shut up! This thing's gonna pull my leg off!"

          "Can we save this argument for another time?!"

          "You're right, I don't want to waste my last words on _you!_"

          "_Caedero!_" shouted Draco, pointing his wand at the rather muscular-looking tendril. It snapped, and he yanked Granger to her feet. The plant shot out another tendril, this time at Draco. "Stupid plant! _Stupefy!_" The plant slumped, the questing tendril dropping to the ground limply. Draco watched it fall.

          Suddenly he was being squeezed by a shocked maiden with bushy hair. "Thank you _so much!_"

          "Jeez, Granger, get off me." She released her hold, and to his surprise, wiped a few tears from her face.

          "Sorry. Forgot myself."

          "You have an over-developed sense of gratitude. It's going to get you into trouble someday."

          "Only with _you._"

          "I can't believe I had to come _all_ the way over here and _save_ you!"

          "Next time _you_ try being pulled half a mile across the ground by a plant!"

          "I think I'll pass," said Draco coolly, eyeing the plant warily. "I don't know if you noticed this," he told her condescendingly, "but the fog's cleared."

          "I was a little busy being dragged across the ground by a plant," she grumbled to herself.

          "I'm not one to stoop to saying 'I told you so,' but…I told you it would clear."

          "Shut up, Malfoy."

          "So what now, oh all-knowing one?"

          Granger peered at their surroundings. Fields. Fields, fields, fields. Beyond the giant plant: more fields. Fields and nothing but. Oh, there was the occasional tree every now and then, which Draco intended to avoid walking into. No other landmarks, nothing, except for that slight hill they'd run over to get to this spot. Not even a hill, really. Just a minor rise in the ground. That he'd had to run over to save this ungrateful—well, not exactly ungrateful—wench.  "Well, we can't stay here," said the wench finally. "At least, if we want to eat eventually."

          "Moo…"

          "Shut up, I wouldn't be surprised if you moved from my robes to the grass last night without noticing."

          Draco smacked his lips, feeling around his mouth with his tongue for any trace of greenery. "No, I didn't."

          "Which way do you want to go?"

          "Not that way," said Draco, pointing to the minor rise. "Hmm…this way." Draco picked a random direction, then seized Granger's hand and started that way. 

          "Um…Malfoy."

          "What?" asked Draco, annoyed.

          "We can see, now. Ah, that is, we don't have to hold hands anymore."

          Looking down at their joined hands, he let go quickly. _Damn_ her and her impeccable logic! Scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, he said, "I knew that."

          "Well, come on," she forged ahead, and he followed. After a couple hundred feet, however… "Malfoy?"

          "Yeeeeees?" he drawled.

          "Gimme your stupid hand."

          "I knew you couldn't resist my charms," he said matter-of-factly.

          "RassafriggamfraggamstoopidMalfoy…"

          *********

          "I wish I had a book," said Granger, miles later. "Any book."

          "Why? You want to eat its pages? Maa," Draco did his best imitation of a goat.

          "No! I could look to find out where to find food." 

          "Aha. Are you sure you don't want THE book? Maybe THE book would have that information."

          "Actually, I could really just go for a nice, big, juicy…filet mignon." 

          "For a moment there, I thought you were going to say something else… but yeah, that sounds really good. But what I'd rather have is a hot dog- have you ever been to Coney Island?"

          "No…" 

          "I'll say one thing for Muggles. They know their way around a hot dog." 

          "Do you know what they put in those?" Granger asked, horrified. 

          "No. That's the beauty of it." 

          "Ugh, now I've lost my appetite… wait… no, false alarm. I'm still hungry."

          Draco tensed, spotting something in the distance. "What's that?" 

          Granger, after a few seconds, responded, "You're seeing things, Malfoy." 

          "It's not my fault you're blind, Granger. Look, there's smoke in the distance. Don't tell me you're not seeing that." 

          "I have not yet attained a view of said waste of smoldering material."

          "Think you're funny, do you Granger?" 

          She smiled smugly. "Yes…oh, now I see it." 

          "That's right," he said obnoxiously to the girl whose hand he was holding. "What do you think it is?" 

          "It looks like… like the after-effects of Pepper-up Potion." 

          "No. You're not getting anywhere with this, Granger. You can't be a smart-ass. It's not in your breeding." 

          "I suppose the Balfoys all hab it id dere blood."

          "I think it's a cottage."

          "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Malfoy. Who would have a cottage in the middle of…hey, it's a cottage."

          *********

          Seeing as it was the only landmark besides the plant they'd seen so far, they headed for the cottage and reached it before the sun sank out of the purple sky. It was Draco who actually turned the knob to the front door. It seemed like a normal cottage from the outside, but inside it was filled with some very odd angles and shapes and textures. That didn't stop them from spotting something very unexpected on the table.

          "Filet mignon!" shouted Granger in surprise at the same time Draco cried out, "Coney Island hot dogs!" They dove on the food and began devouring it at a rapid pace, but then Granger suddenly stopped.

          "What if it's poisoned?"

          "Who _cares?_"

          "But—think about it, Malfoy. Why would somebody leave out the _very_ foods we were craving and talking about _just_ an hour ago."

          "Again," said Draco. "Who cares?" He took another bite of his hot dog, then reached for a glass of pumpkin juice, of which there were two of a large size on the table. Granger still looked apprehensive. "Look, Granger, there's a very high chance that we'll never get home _anyway,_ and seeing as you were almost killed this morning, there's a very good chance that we'll both end up getting gutted or devoured by savage plants. So eat, already. At least you won't die hungry."

          "Listen, Malfoy…" she said, reaching tentatively for her filet mignon. "About this morning…I just wanted to thank you again."

          Draco stared at her for a moment, then slowly turned back to his hot dogs. "You're welcome," he spat out before taking another bite.

          *********

A/N: We don't care if it's a short chapter, because we like it the way it is. Green balloon animals shaped like savage plants to anyone who reviews! Scare your friends!

Special Note: References to _The Princess Bride_ and any of InterNutter's fanfiction are totally stolen, but with great reverence and apology.


	6. My Weft Knee

~The Curse That Went Awry~

~Chapter Six: My Weft Knee~

*********

          _I'm _welcome?!_ Malfoy actually said I'm _welcome?!__ These were Hermione's thoughts as she chomped on her filet mignon. Unfortunately, her hands were getting covered in the seasoning, since whoever had left the (probably poisoned) food out had not thought to give them any silverware. "We should look around this cottage," suggested Hermione, searching the table for a napkin. There was none. Just her luck. She was _so_ wiping her hands off on Malfoy's robes when his back was turned.

          "Yeah. There might be more food."

          "And a bed…" said Hermione wistfully. 

          "Or _two_ beds, Granger. Unless you want to sleep with me."

          "Ew!"

          "'Ew'? What do you mean, 'ew'?"

          "I mean, don't talk about that while I'm eating."

          "Well, _you_ were the one who brought up _beds._"

          Hermione said nothing, but continued to ingest her filet mignon. 

          "Besides, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm Hogwarts' most eligible bachelor!"

          "Pff!" Hermione snorted out her laughter. "In your dreams!"

          "No, in yours. At least, I assume so. I'm in everyone else's after all."

          "You keep on thinking that, Malfoy."

          "I will, then."

          "Are we going to look around, or what?" Hermione had finished her filet mignon. 

          "We will, then." Malfoy got up from the table. Hermione wiped her hands on his robe. "See. I knew you couldn't resist me." This made Hermione snicker.

          The first room beyond the entryway was…odd, to say the least. Even more odd angles than in the entryway, with lots of—mint green. Strange. In fact, there was so much green that Hermione thought for a second they had walked into a Muggle hospital, one of the really sickeningly sterilized ones. There were some oddly-shaped chairs, and what appeared to be a couch. They passed through this room quickly.

          Hermione caught her breath in the next room. Everything was white with soft hues of blue, and seemed to glow from the inside out. Huge arched windows let in the shine of the gentle pink sunset. In the middle of the far wall stood an enormous fountain depicting a swooping likeness of a creature with a kangaroo's back feet, a rabbit's front paws, and the body and head of a doe. It was the most beautiful animal Hermione had ever seen. Malfoy was apparently attempting to ruin the effect. 

          "Too Victorian for my taste, but some people might think this is pretty, I guess." 

          Hermione hardly noticed, being too enthralled by the fountain. "What sort of a room is this?" she asked in hushed wonder.

          "It's the sort of room people use to show off how rich they are, obviously. Though who they're going to show it off to, I have no idea, seeing as there's no one around for miles." 

          "I don't think that's what it is," she replied quietly, and she tore her eyes away. They moved on to the next room. 

          Hermione's awe in the white room matched her horror in the one that followed. All was deep reds and purples and blacks, with sharp edges on everything and swoopingly high backs of chairs. It was the sort of room she imagined the devil would use to entertain. 

          "This is hardly impressive," Malfoy said haughtily, striding forward only to bang his leg on a frightening, jagged coffee table. He immediately grabbed his knee and began to jump about in pain. "Ow! Ow ow ow! That reawy hurts a wot!  _OW_!" 

          Hermione stared at him, biting back her laughter with difficulty. "Why are you talking that way?" 

          "Wew, it's an ancient (ow) curse of the nobwe Mawfoy bwood." 

          "So hitting your leg makes you talk funny?" 

          "Wew, onwy my weft knee, Granger," he groaned in pain, as though pointing out something completely obvious.  

          "You sound like Elmer Fudd." 

          "Who's Ewmer Fudd?" 

          "Ah… no one, Malfoy. Let's keep going." 

          The door led them back to the front room. Malfoy was limping as he complained. "Stupid curse, stupid tabwe, stupid weg," he muttered. "I can't beweave that Mawfoys have to suffer the compwete indignity of tawking wike this just for hitting our weft knees!!"

          "Why'd you get cursed anyway, Malfoy?" 

          "My great-grandfather insuwted someone for wiggwing their ears--not deserving of a curse, reawy. Peopwe overreact so much sometimes. Wike you. You have to woosen up a widdwe." 

          He was still clutching his knee as he sank into a chair. As much as she hated to ask, "Are you all right?" 

          "I don't know, my knee stiw hurts. This should have cweared up by now." 

          "Let me see," she sighed. 

          "You just want an excuse to see my weg," Malfoy accused. 

          "You are incredibly self-deluded. Now let me see, or shut up." Scoffing, Malfoy raised his left pant-leg, allowing her to lean in an see that— "Oh, jeez, Malfoy. This is really bad."

          "That's what I've been tewwing you!"

          "Shut up. Hmm, we need some cloth or something. And we can't use my handkerchief, that's already disgusting."

          "Why do we need cwoth? Am I bweeding?" He looked down. "Ahh! I'm bweeding! Not again! I'm going to suffer from bwood woss or something! This can't be heawthy, wosing this much bwood in—hey, what are you doing?"

          Tearing off a strip of cloth from her robes, Hermione pressed it to Malfoy's knee. "Hold this here while I go look for something, will you?"

          There was a door they hadn't gone through. Hermione opened it and discovered a bathroom, and dug through the drawers by the sink—thank goodness that was normal—as she half-paid attention to Malfoy's constant complaining.

          "I have the worst wuck in the worwd! Honestwy, Mawfoys shouwd never have to put up with this sort of thing, we've suffered enough! Have I ever towd you about my great-uncwe Warry? Wew, his name wasn't _actuawy_ Warry, we just cawed him that because it was easier. Anyway, one day he was just wawking down the street, minding his own business, when something came and ate him. Or he ate it, I can never reawy remember. Anyway, it was horribwe." 

Hermione ran some water (running water? In the middle of nowhere?) over the washcloth she'd found and headed back out to her complaining charge. Taking the cloth from her robes away from his knee, she applied the damp washcloth, mopping up the blood gently.

Glancing up, Hermione saw him give a wince, and, smiling, she went back to cleaning up his knee. Then she took the gauze which had conveniently been in a drawer in the bathroom, she wound it around his leg and pulled his pantleg back down over it.

Finished with her work, she looked up at him to see the oddest expression on his face. "Thanks," he said quietly.

"Welcome," she said, just as quietly.

"Where'd you learn how to do that, anyway?" Malfoy's speech problem seemed to have disappeared.

"My brother used to scrape his knees a lot. He was the 'football champion,'" said Hermione, getting up and sitting on a chair nearby.

"Football. Isn't that the sport that tries to be Quidditch?"

"Seeing as Muggles don't know about Quidditch, it's just the sport that's trying to be football. And I was always the one cleaning him up afterwards—my parents were always busy with work."

"Mine too. At least, my father's always away doing—work. Well, more like a hobby, really. An obsessive kind of hobby. An obsessive, demented kind of hobby. And my mom's always off being the busy socialite. But I don't have a younger brother. You know."

"Malfoy. Are you trying to _empathize_ with me?"

"That's crazy-talk, Granger! I don't appreciate that sentiment!"

"Sure, Malfoy. Okay. Whatever you say."

"Well, maybe…a little. But you'd better not tell anyone I did, or there'll be hell to pay!"

"All right. Thank you, Malfoy."

He paused, then said, "My pleasure, Granger."

Hermione was just about to crack a smile at him when there was a clank at the door, and it began to creak open…

*********

A/N: Bwahahahahahahaha…Evil Cliffhanger of Doom ™! We are very evil, yes. And, before you ask, we find it _extremely_ amusing when Draco talks differently. Know why? 'Cause he's still arrogant and pratly, that's why! Ha! Glowing, white balloon animals to anyone who reviews.


	7. Didn't we knock?

~The Curse That Went Awry~

~Chapter Seven: Didn't We Knock?~

          …to reveal what could only be the owner of the cottage, who was tall, impossibly blonde, devastatingly handsome and…reminded Draco remarkably of himself. Draco heard Granger catch her breath, but was distracted by the (no, please don't let it be) angry look on the man's face.

          "Who are you? What are you doing in my house?" Great. He was only suspicious, he didn't seem that angry yet.

          "Uh! I'm—Draco Malfoy, sir, and this," Draco looked over to Granger, only to find, to his surprise, that she didn't seem coherent. To say the least. She seemed almost…dreamy, wistful. It reminded Draco greatly of his second year at Hogwarts, when all the Slytherin girls had gone absolutely bonkers over that twit Lockhart. Come to think of it, it reminded him greatly of that disgusting look that appeared on Pansy Parkinson's puggish features every time he walked into the room. "This is Hermione Granger."

          "Hi," said Granger softly, dreamily. She looked to be completely caught up in the gaze of the stranger. Draco couldn't see what was so great about him, besides the fact that he resembled himself mightily. But this guy had none of Draco's…charm. Really.

          "And…what are you doing in my house?" prompted the man, now seeming a little bemused at the situation.

          "Well, what happened was," began Draco, "we were thrown off the train to our school by these two buffoons that I am ashamed to call my friends—"

          "What's a train?" asked the man.

          "Never mind that. Anyway, we were walking along when all of a sudden the _ground_ fell open, and we wound up in this cavern, and I touched this weird thing—"

          "That was so you, Malfoy," Granger snapped out of her spell to accuse him, but promptly fell back in, smiling at the stranger.

          "And we wound up in the middle of this _fog,_ and we were walking and walking—"

          "And _walking,_ and _walking,_" put in Granger.

          "It was your idea to walk in the first place, Granger. Anyhow, then the fog cleared and there was this giant _plant,_ and I had to bloody _save Granger_—"

          "Hey, I thanked you for that!"

          "And then we were walking some more, and we were really hungry and tired and then we spotted your cottage, and it was the first civilization we'd seen for _days,_ and anyway…that's how we got here."

          "Around here, people knock before they go into other people's houses," said the stranger haughtily.

          This gave Draco pause. He turned to Granger, who dragged her gaze away from the stranger, looking a little cross-eyed. "Didn't we knock, Granger?"

          "What?" She shook her head to clear it. "Oh. No. I told you to knock, Malfoy, but you said something about how Malfoys never had to knock, and—"

          "Look, I knocked! I know I knocked!"

          "No you didn't, you just opened the door and went inside, and then we got distracted 'cause of the food on the table, and—"

          "Granger, are you trying to say that I have no _manners?_"

          "You don't! You just flounced right in here and—"

          "Malfoys do not _flounce!_ And besides, you came in too, didn't you, you big hypocrite!"

          "All right, _fine._ I guess we didn't knock," concluded Granger, turning back to the man, who was looking rather amused at the two of them.

          "My name," said the man before pausing dramatically, "is Aldren. And I suppose my house recognized the two of you as friendly if it let you in and gave you _food,_ no less."

          "Your house fed us?" How undignified. "Like we're some kind of _pets?_"

          "Shhh, Malfoy," Granger shushed him. Draco thought it was also very undignified to be shushed by anyone, much less _Granger,_ and he was about to continue talking when the man said,

          "You two have magic, do you not? I can almost smell it on you."

          So of course Draco had to say in an offended tone, "Just what exactly are you implying, sir?"

          "We have magic, Aldren," said Granger, seeming dreamy once again. "I'm a witch, and I guess you _could_ conceivably call _him_ a wizard."

          "Hey! I resent that!"

          "You would, Malfoy."

          Draco chose to ignore this comment in favor of seeking assistance. "Listen," he said to Aldren, "do you think you could possibly help us get back home? Because we've been having a bugger of a time, here, and I'm sure people are at least missing _me,_" here he shot daggers with his eyes at Granger.

          "I don't know if _I_ can help you get back home," said Aldren carefully, "but I think I know of someone who can. You say you're from another world?"

          "Yes," acknowledged Granger breathlessly, now propping her chin up on her palm.

          "God, why don't you two just get a room?" muttered Draco.

          "We're in a room," said Aldren helpfully.

          "Yes," said Draco. "Yes, we are. You were saying?"

          "I have a map that will lead you to Portaldoing." Draco raised an amazed eyebrow at this. "That's a city. There's a man there known as the Bellhop of Portaldoing."

          "Bellhop?" asked Granger, snapping out of her daze.  
          "What's a bellhop?" asked Draco.

          "Never mind," said Granger, settling back onto her hand and staring at Aldren. "Don't stop talking."

          "The Bellhop of Portaldoing is said to be very knowing about matters of other worlds. He'll probably be able to help you."

          "You said you have a map?" prompted Draco.

          "Ah, yes," said Aldren, turning away to search for it. Granger released a soft sigh of disappointment. Draco released a soft groan of exasperation. "And I assume you'll be needing supplies?"

          "Yes, _please,_" said Draco.

          "Thank you," sighed Granger with a goofy smile, as Aldren turned back around to walk past them into the other room. The sounds of rummaging could be heard.

          "Granger, what is wrong with you?" hissed Draco, as soon as he thought Aldren might be out of earshot.

          "What is wrong with me, what is wrong with _you?_"

          "Well, what did _I_ do? _You're_ the one who's sitting there drooling at him!"

          "I am not _drooling!_ I'm just—amazed. He's quite a gracious host."

          "Gracious, my left knee! I'm _sure _that's why you're staring at him that way!"

          "I'm not staring at him at all! Besides—you're the one who's being rude!"

          "_How_ am I being rude, Granger?!"

          "You asked him for help! We barely know him!"

          "Oh, come on, Granger, it's not as if you weren't _dying_ for his help a minute ago!"

          "What do you mean by that?!"

          "Oh, you know what I mean," said Draco, leering suggestively.

          Just then, Aldren walked back into the room carrying two backpacks filled almost to bursting. "I've put some food and water and the map into these. Portaldoing is clearly labled on the map, you should have no trouble finding it if you have as much magic as I think you do. Would you care to spend the night here?" At this point, Draco raised his eyebrows at Granger, and she scowled at him. "I assume—"

          "No, I'm afraid we must be going."

          "_What?!_" said Granger, spinning to Draco. 

          He eyed her coolly. "The sooner we go, the sooner we get home."

          "But there's no guarantee this Bellhop guy will get us home!"

          "There's even _less_ of a guarantee that staying _here_ will get us home."

          "Don't you want to sleep in a real bed? For one night?" pleaded Granger.

          Draco would have none of it. They really needed to get on their way. "No." Turning to face their host, he said, "Thank you very much for your help."

          Aldren was silent for a long moment, fixing Draco with an incomprehensible glare. Then, with slowly building ire, he said, "That's _it?!_ I give you food, I give you supplies, I give you directions, I _help you find your way home, I welcome you into my **house, and all you have to say is 'THANK YOU VERY MUCH?!'"**_ Aldren's hair burst into flame, and his canines grew about six inches. The room seemed to grow darker, and he seemed to get a lot taller. His eyes flashed dangerously, and all of a sudden, Aldren had claws. "**_I'LL KILL YOU!_**"

          The only two things Draco could think of to say were, "I told you he was no good, Granger," and "AHHHHHHHHHH!" He didn't say either, but Granger said the latter. Then he shouted, "RUN!"

          They bolted for the door.

*********

A/N: This chapter wasn't as funny as the previous ones, we know, since there wasn't as much arguing. But it was important, 'cause it moved the plot along. And now…ta-da! Destination: Portaldoing! That is, if they live. We'll make up for the lack of comedy in the next chapter, don't worry. Or if not that one, the chapter after that. Anyone who reviews gets beautiful balloon animals that spontaneously burst into flame. :D


	8. Malfoys Don't Limp

~The Curse That Went Awry~

~Chapter 8: Malfoys Don't Limp~

*********

            "I told you that guy was no good, Granger!" shouted Malfoy, seizing Hermione's hand and dragging her back out into the field.

            "No, you _didn't!_"

            "Yes, well—you know I was thinking it!"

            Hermione glanced behind her, to see that Aldren was standing outside his door, hurling fireballs after them, shouting unintelligible curses (unintelligible because it's hard to speak around six-inch fangs). As she watched, feet pounding hard on the ground, Aldren hurled an especially large fireball whose aim was more deadly than the others. "Draco, _duck!_"

            "Where?!"

"No, there's a fireball!"

            "Oh, sh—!" Malfoy ducked, a strange sort of running duck that looked, in fact, like an actual duck. In a way. But Hermione wasn't thinking about that. Tugging on his hand, she ran faster. Malfoy turned his head to see Aldren in all his fiery fury, and, rolling his eyes, said to Hermione, "God save us from veelas of the male persuasion."

            Lord only knew how he could be this condescending at this speed. Slowing her pace, Hermione looked behind as well. "He's a _veela?!_"

            "Run!" He tugged on her hand, and she picked up her previous pace.

            They ran.

            And ran.

            And raaaaaaaan…

            Finally, Hermione couldn't take it any longer. "Malfoy," she panted, "We've—got—to—stop."

            "No, we don't. We've got to _run._"

            "No—I—"

            "Look, we need some more distance between us and that—"

            "I—can't—breathe—you—stupid—bugger."

            "Oh," Malfoy slowed to a halt, and Hermione collapsed onto the ground with folded legs. 

            "Geez," she said, recovering her breath. "What does it _take_ for you to take a _break?_"

            "You swearing," said Malfoy, sitting down beside her. He didn't seem out-of-breath at all, for which reason Hermione felt a desire to stick out her tongue at him. "What was _that,_ Granger? You _never_ swear."

            "I suppose we balance out then, since you can't say one _sentence_ without swearing." Hermione was now hoping that her heart would slow down before it exploded from her chest and ran away to file a report for abuse.

            "It's not _my_ fault I swear so much. Besides, I only do it when I'm around Potty and the Weasel. Because they're being so fu—"

            "That's far enough, Malfoy."

            "Why? You were swearing a minute ago."

            "It's not that. It's just that I don't want you insulting my friends." Smoothing her hair as best she could (though it remained incredibly windblown), Hermione glared at him.

            "I can't help it. It's in my _nature _to insult Harry Potter. And Weasley's—_poor._ Of course I have to insult him!"

            Being completely and utterly disgusted by this, Hermione stood back up, adjusted the backpack that she'd been able to take from Aldren's home (somehow, Malfoy'd kept his, too), and said, "Come on, Malfoy, let's keep moving." With that, she squinted through the growing dark to the horizon, upon which there was an odd, dark line, far away across the plain.

            Something odd happened, then. From behind Hermione, there was a rustle, a thump, and then a quiet, "_Ow._" 

            She turned. "Something wrong?"

            "No," spat Malfoy, levering himself to his feet. He listed a tiny bit to the side, wincing, but then he righted himself with a scowl as he, too, adjusted his backpack. "Let's go." Seizing Hermione's hand, he began to lead them away across the meadow.

            Thinking of how the two of them didn't have any real reason to hold _hands_ anymore (but…somehow she didn't mind…found it rather comforting, actually…but—only in the sense of its familiarity), Hermione followed behind. They walked for awhile, but finally Hermione had to say something. "Are you _limping,_ Malfoy?"

            "What?! Malfoys don't limp!"

            "Malfoy…" admonished Hermione.

            "Granger, I really don't know what you're talking about! Malfoys don't—ow." Malfoy cut himself off by trodding too hard on his left foot and collapsing awkwardly to the side, landing on his left knee. "_OW!_"

            "Something's _quite_ obviously wrong, Malfoy," stated Hermione, looking down at him with hands on hips.

            "Reawy, Granger, I—" Malfoy stopped abruptly, biting his upper lip.

            "I can tell your leg is hurting you, Malfoy," she reprimanded him, though not as strongly as before. She crossed her arms over her chest. "So why don't you just let me help?"

            "Mawfoys don't need hewp," he maintained resolutely, glaring up at her as he slowly rose to a painful standing position once again. Then he gripped his knee again, wincing.

            "All that running can't have done it any good. Maybe I should have another look at it…"

            "No!"

            "Malfoy…"

            Glowering at her, he laboriously turned himself back on their path and took one step with his right foot, then a half a step with his left before he collapsed again. "Fine," he muttered angrily. "We're not going to get anywhere if I keep going on wike this, can't bewieve I have to, rrr…" Then louder, he called, "A widdwe hewp here, Granger?"

            Smiling slightly, Hermione went over to him, kneeling beside him. "Put your arm over my shoulder," she commanded, slipping her right arm about his waist.

            Malfoy complied, flomping his hand down right below her shoulder. Then it began to creep a little lower, and a little lower…

            "Watch it, Malfoy," growled Hermione.

            "Carefuw, you're sounding a widdwe too much wike Weaswey for comfort, Granger."

            "You're not going to be too comfortable if that hand goes any further."

            "Fine. I'we just weave it right where it is, then, shaww I?" Hermione could hear the smirk in his voice, and she scowled in response.

            "Would you like to be a soprano, Malfoy?" she bit out. "Because if you don't move your hand _right now_, you will find yourself a place in an all-girls choir."

            Malfoy's hand moved with lightning speed back to her shoulder.

            "Much better." 

            The two walked for awhile in silence. Occasionally, Hermione would hear muttering along the lines of, "Rassafriggamfraggamstoopidweg…"

            When the night had truly descended upon them, and Hermione had had to light her wand to see the way ahead of them ("Can't you just heal my leg with magic?" "I don't know _that_ many spells, Malfoy."), they heard a strange sort of unfamiliar sound ahead of them.

            "What is it?" queried Hermione warily.

            "I don't know, but it sort of makes me have to pee…"

            "Water!" It was water. A stream, in fact, which was very narrow, but ran rather deeper than the usual stream did. They stared at it in silence for a moment, and then Hermione observed, "Thank the heavens! I've been _dying_ to take a bath!"

            "Um, slight problem, Granger…"

            "What?" The water looked cool, and refreshing after all the work of hauling Malfoy for miles…well, probably only one mile, but it _felt_ like miles, because he was so ridiculously heavy. Honestly! A boy that age and of that stature weighing _that_ much!

            "No cover. That is…we'd be able to see each other."

            "Each _other?!_ You're not getting into that stream while I'm in there!"

            "Why not? It would be easier to avoid looking at each other if we both went in at the same time…and believe me, Granger, we _both_ need baths," he spouted, giving her a meaningful look while waving a hand before his nose.

            "Well," said Hermione uncomfortably. "We'll both have to take one, then…"

*********

A/N: Bweeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee…congratulations to our one reviewer who was able to guess what, exactly, Aldren was. Hurray for you! Yay! Sorry for the long wait for the update, we'll try not to do it again, but somehow, since we live at separate houses, we suspect it will happen again. Pink bunny balloon animals to anyone who reviews!


	9. Cold Out Here

~The Curse That Went Awry~  
  
~Chapter 9: Cold Out Here~  
  
***  
  
_I'm not looking. I will not look. I will be strong. Malfoys are *strong.* I can overcome the compulsion to look. Really. I'm *not looking.* *Ever.* ...Well, okay, maybe not *ever,* but...no, *ever.* Not looking. Not._  
  
"Malfoy, you'd better not be looking at me!"  
  
Draco snapped his head back around, to face what was designated his side of the stream. He tried to focus on the chill water rushing past his thighs. "I wasn't! And the feeling's mutual, Granger!"  
  
"Good!"  
  
  
  
"Better!"  
  
"Ugh!"  
  
"What, did you step on a rock?"  
  
"Shut up, Malfoy. And don't look."  
  
Draco squeezed his eyes shut, so that even if he turned around, he'd be unable to see anything. "I wouldn't *want* to look, anyway."  
  
Granger seemed to take offense at this. "And why not?!" she demanded angrily.  
  
"I thought you didn't *want* me to look!" Girls. Geez.  
  
"I don't! I mean--ugh!"  
  
For a moment, there was silence, other than the rushing of the stream. Draco opened his eyes, darted a glance to check that his clothes were still on the bank of the stream, then quickly snapped his eyes back and squeezed them shut again. Then, unable to see to wash himself, he focused on the sounds around him. Hmm...the trees rustling, some kind of bird calling, the water running, Hermione washing herself...NO! BAD!  
  
"You're not looking, are you?"  
  
"Will you *shut* *up*?!"   
  
"Fine!"  
  
_I should look,_ Draco told himself. _I should look just to annoy her. But...no! I shouldn't look!_ This gave him pause for a moment, and he tilted his head to the side, eyes still closed. _Wait. Why am I not looking? Because she told me not to look? ...That's stupid. I should look..._ Slowly, fighting himself, Draco opened his eyes and turned his head...  
  
"Don't look!"  
  
"I'm NOT!" Draco's voice resounded through the clearing. "What are you, five?!" _Oh, now I know why I'm not looking...for one thing, I'm more *mature* than that. And...er...for another, if I were to look--I'd probably be eaten alive. Yeah! That's it! I'd be eaten alive! That's why I'm not looking! It's not like I care about her--feelings--or anything! I just don't want to die! So...I won't look, and I won't be eaten._ "Although, who could blame her, really," said Draco softly, "I'd taste *good.*"  
  
"What, Malfoy?" came a call from downstream.  
  
"Mind your own business!"  
  
"Well, so long as you're not *looking*--"  
  
"RrrrrrrgggGH!" postulated Draco. _That's it. I'm opening my eyes to wash myself, and if I *happen* to look over there, well, then...I'm opening my eyes, dammit!_ Draco opened his eyes, glanced down, muttered, "Cold out here," then promptly dunked the rest of himself into the stream. Surfacing, he immediately shouted, "AHH! Great flogging flobberworms!"  
  
"What?!" came Granger's voice, sounding louder than before, and panicky. "Did something bite you?!"  
  
"Don't *look,* Granger!"  
  
"I didn't--I mean, I wasn't!" _Damn her, she looked._ "I mean--I'm looking *much* less than you!"  
  
She was probably right, except...no, wait. He hadn't looked at her yet. "No, nothing *bit* me, Granger, this water's just...very cold."  
  
There was a faint, "Oh."  
  
Brushing his soaking hair out of his face, Draco proceeded to get as clean as he could without soap or any handy cleaning supplies. "My hair is going to suffer for this, Granger," Draco finally called to his companion to break the uneasy silence.  
  
"*Your* hair? I have more than you, Malfoy, *and* it's pure evil."  
  
"Finally we agree on something, Granger."  
  
"What, that my hair's harder to care for?"  
  
"No, that it's pure evil."  
  
"Ugh."  
  
"Don't blame me. You set yourself up."  
  
There was no response. Draco resumed his bathing. Geez, how had he managed to *get* this filthy? After a moment, there was a gentle sloshing from downstream, and Draco could tell Granger was heading to shore. Finally, he heard, "Oh, for Pete's sake--ugh, MALFOY! YOU ARE *REALLY* GONNA GET IT THIS TIME!"  
  
"What? What?!" Confused, Draco turned around.  
  
A high-pitched shriek echoed through the woodlands, and some birds took wing. "MALFOY! You're LOOKING!"  
  
"Well, so were you!" reasoned Draco in the tones of a petulant child.  
  
Hermione stopped just as she was about to yell again, and simply stared.   
  
Draco paused as well, then realized, and looked down. Finally he had the presence of mind to cover himself. "What's the problem, Granger?" he spat, mortified.  
  
Granger finally tore her eyes away. Honestly, didn't girls have anything better to do than stare at his...naked...nakedness? _I mean, I know I'm Draco Malfoy, but...I must be *slightly* resistible! ...Wait, no, nevermind._ "B-blood," she stuttered, fixing her gaze on what she held in her hands, what she now lifted to cover herself, what Draco recognized as her clothes.  
  
"Huh?" The cold must have been getting to him. Or perhaps it was just the fact that she was wearing absolutely positively...negatively...philosophically...metaphysically...physically, that is...was that steam rising off of him?  
  
"You got *blood* on my *clothes,*" she growled indignantly, obviously trying to muster some dignity. "You bastard."  
  
"Oh, ex*cuse* me for being in pain and spilling my life's blood in the dirt!"  
  
"Are you saying my clothes are--?!"  
  
"No, you know that's not what I meant, Granger, I meant that..." Quite suddenly, Draco realized that he was holding an argument while completely in the buff. Ever so carefully, he bent his knees and disappeared under the water. When he resurfaced, Granger had turned her back and covered it. Thank the gods. Because he *wasn't* *looking*! In a rush of bravado, mixed with complete embarrassment, Draco darted over to his clothes--  
  
Or...at least...  
  
Where his clothes used to be.  
  
Goosebumps rising all over his body, Draco ducked behind a tree, and, if possible, grew even *more* embarrassed. "Granger!" he hissed in her general direction.  
  
"Oh, what is it *now,* Malfoy?"  
  
Hmm...maybe he shouldn't have bled on her clothes... "What did you do with them?"  
  
"Them *who*?"  
  
"You know damn well who--I mean, what!" Curse the woman for making him tongue-tied!  
  
"*What* are you talking about?"  
  
"Look, Granger," he said with a combination of humiliation and feigned casualness, "you can either give them back, or force me to walk around skyclad. And, although I know you would *enjoy* the second option, I don't feel completely comfortable having my...special manparts exposed to the elements of nature."  
  
"Oh, your *clothes*?"  
  
"*Yes,* Granger. Now give them back, or I shall have to beat you with a handy branch."  
  
"What makes you think *I* have them?"  
  
"First they were here, now they're gone, add up the arithmancy sum, Granger."  
  
"I *didn't* take them!"  
  
"You're the only one around!"  
  
"Well, if you want them so badly, why don't you *look* for them?"  
  
"Because it's much easier to make you *give them back to me,*" Draco argued, shivering.  
  
"I don't have them! Ugh! _Accio_ Malfoy's clothes." There was a faint 'whump.' A few seconds later, she said, "Er, Malfoy?"  
  
"Yes?" he drawled.  
  
"You were wearing more than just pants before, weren't you?"  
  
"Believe me, Granger, if I were wearing only pants, you wouldn't be able to concentrate on--"  
  
"Malfoy, this isn't funny!"  
  
"I am well aware of that, Granger! Are you *sure* all you have is my trousers?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Well...give them to me."  
  
"...How?"  
  
"What do you mean, 'How'? Are you familiar with the concept of handing things to people?"  
  
"Couldn't you just Summon them?"  
  
"Ahem...Granger. You poor, innocent girl. Where do you think I keep my wand? Because it's certainly not up my arse."  
  
"It's not in your pockets..."  
  
"You went through my pockets?" demanded Draco, outraged.  
  
"I could...banish them to you?"  
  
"You will do no such thing to my pants," Draco proclaimed.  
  
After a few seconds, there was the sound of approaching footsteps, then a rustle, and a delicate hand clutching Draco's trousers in a fierce grip extended around the trunk of the tree. "Don't look, Granger," Draco told her once again, donning his trousers with blushing face. _Funny...I still feel naked,_ thought Draco as he stepped out from behind the tree. Hermione was blushing, too, looking away almost shyly. "So...no underwear?"   
  
Another awkward moment ensued.  
  
"Right. Never mind. But, er, where *is* my wand, if not in my pockets?"  
  
"It probably fell out on the ground somewhere," answered Granger, turning away to search the forest floor with her eyes. Drawing out her own wand, she spoke the spell to light it, got down on her hands and knees and started to search the long grass. After a couple of moments, Draco knelt down beside her, seeing as her wand was the only source of light, and they combed through the underbrush together. "Malfoy?"  
  
"What?" snapped Draco, getting annoyed at the absence of his own wand.  
  
"What *could* have happened to your clothes? That is, since we know I didn't take them--"  
  
"Maybe *you* know that."  
  
"--what could have? Do you suppose--?" she interrupted herself with a gasp. "--Do you suppose there are wild animals about?"  
  
"Relax, Granger," Draco reassured her, glancing around nervously before returning to searching the ground. "There aren't any wild animals."  
  
"There *could* be...oh!"  
  
"Aha!" exclaimed Draco at the same time. Both their hands landed on his wand, lying innocuously in the grass. Picking it up and pocketing it, Draco lifted himself to his feet. Granger followed, and for a brief moment, they stood in silence, not knowing quite where to direct their gazes. "Well," said Draco.  
  
"Hmm," responded Hermione.  
  
"Er...uh...sleep would be nice. That is, if we plan on...going anywhere...tomorrow..."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"So..."  
  
"Mm-hmm." Awkwardly, they turned their backs on each other and returned to their normal sleeping position, back-to-back, and settled in for the night.  
  
Only this time, Draco was acutely aware of how very, very shirtless he was.   
  
***  
  
A/N: YES! We're BACK! And with NEKKIDNESS! We apologize for the overly-long delay, but be ready for another. Delay, that is. Both very busy. You know. But, yay! Nekkidness!  
  
Review for Write-The-Next-Chapter-You-Bitches balloon animals. Once you get 'em, you can throw 'em at us! 


	10. Pointless Diatribe

The Curse That Went Awry

Chapter Ten: Pointless Diatribe

          Hermione was suddenly aware, as she leaned her back against Malfoy's, of how very, very shirtless her traveling companion was. "Goodnight," she said, as an afterthought.

          "Good—" Malfoy got out, when there was a deafening clap of thunder. Huge water droplets began to pour out of the sky. "Oh…" said Malfoy. "_Crud._"

          Scrambling to her feet, Hermione turned her face to the heavens. "The sky was clear half a minute ago!"

          "So?!" yelled Malfoy over the thunder, standing up as well.

          "So—this isn't even meteorologically _possible!_"

          "What does this have to do with carnivores?!"

          "_What,_ Malfoy?!"

          "You said 'meat-eater,' and I—oh never mind! We should get out of the rain!"

          "Where are we going to find shelter?"

          "We're in a bloody _forest,_ Granger!"

          "Well, it doesn't seem to be helping us right now, does it?" Hermione began to wring out her already-sodden sleeve in vain. Then, stooping, she picked up her knapsack.

          Adopting his typical condescending stance, arms folded over (bare) chest, Malfoy looked down at her and said, "That's besides the point, Granger. The _point _is that…"

          The rest of the words faded into the rain as Hermione stared at him and thought, _Someone like Malfoy should not be allowed to be that attractive. I mean, it should just be against the law for a jerk like him to look so…something…and…no…shirt…and…NO! BAD!_ Hermione shook her head to clear it. "Why are we just standing here getting wet?"

          "_What?_"

          "I mean, standing in the rain!"

          "I'm _so sure_ that's what you meant. I bet you weren't even listening to what I just said."

          "Of course I was."

          "Then what _did_ I say?"

          "That doesn't matter right now, Malfoy, and you're wasting time!"

          "No, Granger, you're not getting out of this! I want to know what I said!"

          "You were there, weren't you?!" She was getting cold, now, and feeling overburdened with her wet clothes.

          "So were you! So you should _know_ what I said!"

          "Ugh! Malfoy!" Seizing his hand, Hermione began to drag him into the deeper woods, lifting her feet high to clear the grass and mud.

          "Stop _dragging_ me, Granger! Are we even going the right way?"

          "I don't know!"

          Malfoy suddenly halted. Hermione tried to pull on his hand to make him start walking again, but her weight wasn't enough to shift him. She gave up when he asked, "Did you have the map in your pack, Granger?"

          Oh, a fine time for him to decide to be rational. "I thought it was in yours."

          "Yes, but if you'll _notice,_ Granger, I am currently in possession of only my pants and my wand."

          _Why does that sound dirty?_ "Did you look at the map, yet, then?"

          "It's not in your pack?" Malfoy's voice had a frightened edge to it.

          "No," said Hermione, slowly, a wave of fear washing over her. "Malfoy. Tell me you looked at the map before it was lost."

          "Okay, now I _know_ you didn't steal my things, because that would just be committing suicide…"

          "_Malfoy!_"

          "Yes, I looked at it."

          Hermione felt her panic recede. Her feelings of discomfort at their present situation, however… "Which direction do we have to go in?"

          "Southeast," Malfoy said, sounding unsure.

          "Southeast. Are you sure about that?"

          "Er, yes. Er, definitely. Yes. No. Sort of. In a very strong way, yes."

          After thinking hard, she finally said, "Then we should go that way." Drawing her wand, she said at it, "_Point me._"

          "Which way?" said Malfoy impatiently.

          "I can't see my wand!"

          "_Lumos._" The light from Malfoy's wand illuminated the enormous raindrops falling between them. Hermione's eyes caught his for a second, and she spotted something there, something that hinted that maybe he was just as scared as she was about all this, underneath the posturing. She saw a frightened person, and she was so focused on that fact that it startled her when he became Malfoy again, face forming into a glare. "Well?" he demanded, and she cleared her throat. They both looked down at her palm, which she held up for inspection.

          "So, if this is north," she pointed, "then…_this_ way."

          "We were going that way already."

          "Ah…yes."

          "So this whole exercise was pointless."

          "Er…"

          Scoffing, Malfoy seized her hand again and they began trudging along. Lightning flashed a few miles away—a few seconds after, thunder pounded on their eardrums. Hermione flinched at the sound. Malfoy glanced back at her, and his face softened almost undetectably. "It's just thunder," he grumbled.

          "I know, thunder is just air rushing into the space made vacant by the enormous amount of electricity touching the ground, and there's a delay from—"

          "Does this diatribe have a point?"  
  
          "The point is, you should never get me started about the weather!" Which wasn't truly the point, but she wasn't about to tell _him_ that.

          For a few moments they were silent, merely slogging through the rain, staring at the woods around them, revealed by the light of their wands.

          Then the light of their wands began to have no effect in the face of the heavy downpour. "Can you see anything?!" cried Hermione over the wind.

          "Yeah! Lots of trees and rain! Plenty of rain! In fact, too much! A proliferation of rain!"

          Rolling her eyes, though she was sure he couldn't see it, Hermione yelled, "Thank you!"

          "You're not welcome! It's _cold,_ dammit!"

          "How is that _my_ fault?!"

          "Well, you—" Lightning flashed.

          Hermione screamed as loudly as she could. A millisecond later, Malfoy screamed from beside her.

          They flew into each other's arms.

          It was hideous, monstrous, and other words ending in '—ous.' Its giant, black, fat, twisted form was lit dramatically from behind by the lightning. That was why Hermione had screamed.

          "Why are we screaming?" she heard by her ear. Once again, she was made aware of how very shirtless Malfoy was. Also, how very, very close he was. He didn't have to shout over the rain. Hermione gulped.

          "Th—the thing. You don't know why we're screaming?"

          "Well, I heard you scream, so I assumed a scream on my behalf would be appropriate."

          "Malfoy…"

          "So…this thing you mentioned? Was it, er…hostile?"

          Hermione squinted into the rain. "I only saw it for a moment, when the lightning flashed. It obviously hasn't attacked us by now…" Then she saw what it was. "It's a tree," she told him. _How embarrassing._

          "All this for a tree?"

          "Oh…shut up. And let go of me."

          "But you're _warm._"

          "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, and she really was. "Are you cold?"

          "Granger, I'm shirtless in the pouring rain."

          "…Oh." Not exactly anxious to remove her arm from Malfoy, but feeling she had to do it, Hermione held her wand closer to the tree. "Oh! Come on!" Pulling herself away from Malfoy, she grabbed his hand once again and dragged him, yet again, forward.

          "Hey!" Malfoy protested. Hermione wasn't sure if he was protesting her sudden grasping of his hand, or the sudden loss of body heat. Either way, a second later, his "Hey," had turned into a delighted one.

          Lit by wandlight, the _hollow_ tree was revealed to be spacious…at least, for a tree. The inside was filled with soft, dry grass. Too tired to ponder what grass was doing inside a tree, Hermione flomped down onto the ground. Malfoy snatched at her pack, dropping down beside her. In a few seconds time, he'd pulled out some of their rations, and had begun to devour them.

          "Thanks for sharing," said Hermione.

          "Once again, you're not welcome," Malfoy told her, mouth full.

          Rolling her eyes, Hermione nicked some food from his hands.

          "Now what?" he queried.

          "We wait the rain out." Hermione resisted the urge to roll her eyes again.

          "No, _really?_ I thought we were going to head right back out there!"

          Ignoring him, she picked her wand up again, then said, "_Nox. Aridus,_" she added, waving her wand over herself. Her clothes were instantly dry. She lit her wand again and resumed eating.

          From a few feet away, Malfoy cleared his throat.

          Hermione continued to eat, grinning internally.

          "AHEM."

          "Hmm?" hummed Hermione innocently, looking up from her food. "Oh. Why not use your own wand?"

          "RassafriggamfraggamnogoodgrumblegrizzlestoopidGranger."

          "What was that?" said Hermione, still pulling her innocent act.

          "I said I'mnottoogoodatthespell."

          "And…?"

          "Andcouldyoudoitforme?"

          "Say the magic word."

          "No, _you_ say the magic word," said Malfoy, annoyed.

          "I meant, be polite."

          "Grrr—please?"

          "And…?"

          "What else is there?"

          "_And…?_"

          "…Urgh, all right, andHermioneGrangeristhebestwitchever, now will you _please_ just—"

          "_Nox,_" Hermione repeated. "_Aridus._"

          "My feet are still wet," complained Malfoy.

          "There's something else you're supposed to say after someone does something nice for you," Hermione said patiently.

          "Good job?" asked Malfoy.

          "No, that's not it…"

          "_Curse_ you, Granger."

          "No, _that's_ not it…"

          "…Thankyou," he spat quickly, then turned back to his food.

          "Now was that so—" Hermione cut herself off when she threw a glance to the entrance to the tree.

          Or what _had_ been the entrance to the tree.

          "Ahh—Malfoy?"

          "Yerf?" His mouth was full again.

          "What happened to the door?"

          "Wert?" Malfoy turned, saw the solid inside of the tree, stood up quickly, then rapidly sat back down again after banging his head up against the wooden ceiling. "_Owsh._ _Ferk, ferk, ferk, darm, arsh, tert-mungrrrrow!_"

          "Mind your tongue, Malfoy."

          "You shound lerk—" he swallowed. "You sound like McGonagall."

          "Malfoy!"

          "Yes?"

          "What happened to the door?!"

          "How should I know?"

          "How can you—be so _calm?_"

          "Simple, really, I just—" Malfoy's voice was cut off by a rapid squeaking noise that seemed to come from all around them. The air was…glowing. "What the…?"

A/N: Mmm, massive cuteness in this chapter, ne? This chapter was extra-long, 'cause we wanted to include all this happy stuff. And now…a cliffhanger, for your enjoyment. Frightening tree balloon animals (or plants, as it were) with special lightning backdrops if you review. You know you want one.


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